


A Fine Line

by Monalisasandmadhatters20 (orphan_account)



Category: Rocketman (2019)
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-23
Updated: 2019-11-30
Packaged: 2020-12-31 18:49:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 8,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21150491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Monalisasandmadhatters20
Summary: Bernie reached his own rock bottom, seeking help when he could no longer handle what his life had become.Elton was forced into rehab by his 'friends' when THEY could no longer handle what his life had become, after a particularly bad three day bender.How different is their story?





	1. Chapter 1

_ The age old saying is for an addict to begin the recovery process they must hit their own personal rock bottom. Each addict has their own personal ‘rock bottom’ they must hit before even seeing they actually need help. Addiction changes your life in so many ways you don’t always realize you even have a problem in the first place… Only a ‘rock bottom’ can make you feel so uncomfortable you want to find sobriety. At least, that’s what the experts say. _

_ I am no expert. _

_ I came into that place because I was told if I didn’t I was going to die. I am surprised I am still alive in the first place if I must be honest. (My doctors said I must be honest with myself if I want to ever heal.) I know most of my associates feel the same. Well, those who have been in my life long enough to have seen the change in me at least. No matter how prone I am to dramatics, there are some who were never fired by either myself or John over the years. _

_ I know, it surprises me, too… _

_But I never chose to seek help myself. I was dropped off by a few 'friends' after a hell of a bender and left to my own devices. I finished the program, yes, but only because I didn't want to draw attention by withdrawing. I wonder if that is why I spend my nights with such a need for a drug cocktail so immense I wonder if I'll see the next light._

_ I wonder how my life would be different if I had given up after my first failed audition. If I hadn’t taken the consolation envelope from a saddened Ray Williams so that our time was not wasted that afternoon. I wonder how different my life would be if I even received a _ ** _different_ ** _ envelope than that of a young Bernie Taupin. _

_ It truly was the luck of the draw… _

_ This little diary is apparently supposed to be my solace or some rubbish. I don’t understand why they thought it’s a good idea to give me a pen and paper and believe it will be of any help to me whatsoever… They say it’s best to write down what I remember of my life, (which isn’t much, I assure you), as I have a hard time speaking about any of it. _

_ I’ve always been shy. I played at being confident most of my life, as my Nan told me to. She is the only good thing still in my life. No matter how many bitch-fits I throw she is still behind me one hundred percent. _

_ She raised my mother… She is used to it, I suppose. _

_ I have been out of the rehab facility for weeks now. I have holed myself up in my mansion and have not taken any calls since. The call to the drink and drug is immense, but I have persevered so far. I have to wonder, though, just how much longer I can go on without it. It would be easy, going back. Easy as breathing, truly... _

Elton leaned back in his leather chair and placed his slippered feet on the large oak desk. He was in the study that belonged to John during their many years together. He looked at the old rotary style telephone, the ache in his chest returning. He was certain at least one of those missed calls was Bernie, checking in on him. But he also knew a fair few would be John, wanting him to get on with it and just fucking perform again already... Do a line or two and hop into bed with him while he was at it as well. John was quite terrible for him and his sanity...

He began to chew on his pen for want of something to do. 

Bernie was a good mate to him. Always had been, from the days holed up in his childhood bedroom in his mother’s flat until Elton pushed him aside like yesterday’s rubbish on the jet to Swindon. Elton knew now, with the drink and drugs out of his system, Bernie meant well. He had not betrayed Elton like Elton chose to believe at the time. He only needed a rest. He had hit his own person rock-bottom, and needed time to recuperate.

And Elton was a tool for not seeing it at the time.

He sighed. He knew he should pick up the damn phone and call Bernie and apologize at some point. He knew Bernie would answer the phone even now, half past two in the morning, if it meant he would finally know Elton was safe. 

But he couldn’t. _ Not tonight _ , he thought, throwing the biro on the desk. He slowly got to his feet. _ Tomorrow. Tomorrow I will be stronger, and more apt to even make sense in conversation. Bernie deserves more than I can give him tonight. Not after all this time without acknowledging he even exists in my own mind..._

  


************

Bernie sat on his porch watching the sun rise, his now-cold tea sat still untouched beside him. He heard his wife slamming the pots and pans in the kitchen behind him as she made breakfast for them both, before packing her lunch for work, like she did every morning.

Though, normally, the pots and pans were treated a bit nicer than they were this morning.

Bernie folded his arms across the front of his flannel dressing gown. He was cross she was ruining his peaceful morning with such dramatics. The same such dramatics she cursed his best mate about over and over again throughout the years. She wouldn’t even tell him what he had apparently done to cause it either. It was irritating.

Their love had faded long ago. Maxine had a volatile, somewhat passive aggressive relationship with him as of late, since he left rehab really, but he just couldn’t get her to bloody _ leave _ ! She refused to believe their marriage was over, even if it had only been a marriage of convenience for years. They owned the ranch together, so he couldn’t just kick her out as he wished, and it was too much of a headache to liquidate all he owned because he was silly and didn’t have her sign a prenuptial agreement. He was in _ love _ way back when, of course... Most men usually are in their early twenties...

Now… Oh, how he bloody hated her…

He lit a cigarette, smirking at her groan of distaste as the smoke filtered through the screen door. He had picked up the disgusting habit in rehab, and just couldn’t quit it. It was definitely better than the constant stream of beer and cocaine and heroine, though, he supposed. After throwing himself out the second story window of their ranch almost two years ago before actually heading into the rehab facility after a horrid heroine induced hallucination, he should be thankful she had stuck around, even if she had become the bane of existence. Without her he wouldn't have healed up quite as nice as he had...

He liked to sometimes prove he could be just as petty as she could be, like lighting up right in front of the screen door. For once, he felt no shame.

He roared with laughter when she slammed the door shut, her unintelligible screams causing even more laughter than perhaps sensible. _ Glad I brought my key with me this morning, _ he thought, patting the pocket of his flannel pants. He took a long drag of the cigarette. _ I hope she forgets to come back here after work… My life would finally be just jolly without her. _

Bernie waited until he heard the front door slam shut behind Maxine before getting to his feet. He took his cane in his hand and limped to the door. He took his plate of food from the microwave and set it on his kitchen island. A note lay beside his place setting, a simple blurb stating she loved him and she was sorry for being a bitch, but to remember he was being a fucking tool as well. 

Bernie smiled slightly, digging into his french toast and sausage links with gusto. (His pain medicine made him irrationally hungry at times.) For all her faults, in which there were many, Bernie did still love her as much as he hated her.


	2. Chapter 2

Bernie had set himself on the couch with a bag of chips, some small chocolate bars, and a six pack of coca cola, ready for a good sulk, when the bloody telephone rang beside him. He groaned, throwing the television remote back on the coffee table. He glared at the phone as it continued to ring, setting his feet on the floor.

“What?,” he snarled as soon as the receiver reached his ear.

“ _ Bad time, darling?” _

Bernie dropped the phone on the couch as though it electrocuted him.

He ran his fingers through his hair, frowning at the matted and greasy mess it had become. He pulled his hand back, staring at the trembles that had nothing to do with the valium in his system. He slowly lifted the receiver to his ear again, whispering “Reggie?,” in disbelief.

_ “Yeah, mate. It’s me. It’s uh… It’s been a while, hasnit?” _

“Years, mate. Two years,” Bernie corrected.

_ “Has it really? Mum was right… Once you hit thirty it’s all a bloody blur, eh?” _

“I wouldn’t know. Not quite there yet, am I, old man?,” Bernie said, feeling a ghost of a smile filter onto his face as he listened to Reggie giggle on the other side of the line. “Still a young sprout and all that.”

_ “I am at my home in Los Angeles for a bit if you’d like to come over for lunch? I… I have a lot to apologize for and explain. I’ll understand if you don’t want to come, of course. I was a right cunt. But…” _

“I… Well, I can’t drive anywhere myself but…”

_ “What do you mean you can’t drive?” _

“Well, I kind of threw myself out of a bloody window not too long after I left you after a bad dose of heroine.” Bernie held the phone away from his ear as Elton shrieked louder than Maxine did on a bad day. “God, just like my bloody wife, you are, going to make me lose my hearing to go along with my partial paralysis…,” Bernie muttered.

_ “You can’t just come out with things that way Bernie, like you’re talking about the bloody weather, you fucking twat.” _

Bernie held back the ‘since when do you care?’ with quite a bit of trouble. He rubbed his forehead. Did he even want to  _ see _ Elton anyway? He didn’t really want to be reminded of the life he had before, the life of excess and low self-worth, losing long periods of time due to the drink and drugs that were a staple to their rock star personas, the fist fights and loud arguments he had with almost everyone he came across… He didn’t want to remember that man anymore, because he  _ WAS NOT _ that man anymore, but Elton would be nothing but a surefire way to remind him. 

“Anyways, I can get along alright around my house, and once a week I go out to the shops with Maxine or to lunch with Raymond, but there is nothing more that the doctors can do for me. Intense trauma to the spinal cord or some tosh.”

_ “Bernie, I… I can have Dennis drive me to you, or you to me, whichever you’d rather, if you’d like?” _

Bernie sighed, popping open a can of coke. “Maxine hates you, Reggie. You coming around here is the last thing I need, mate.”

_ “Right. So have Dennis come by yours and get you then?” _

“You aren’t going to give up, are you?”

_ “Have I ever?” _

Bernie chuckled. “No, no I suppose not. Alright. Just give me an hour or two. It takes a bit for me to get ready for anything now.”

_ “Yes! Alright… Well, I’ll see you soon!” _

Bernie chuckled at Elton’s childlike enthusiasm. “Yes, goodbye for now, Reg.”

Bernie hung up the phone and sighed.  _ What the bloody fuck did I just sign myself up for, then? _ , he thought, struggling to his feet. He stared at the phone for a moment, and picked it back up.  _ Maybe Ray can come with… I think I need some support if I am facing my demons… _

Because, really, that was what his once best mate was to him right now. Everything he did his best to leave behind.  _ Maxine is going to bloody kill me when I get back... _


	3. Chapter 3

Ray did not know what he was expecting when he entered Bernie’s house that afternoon. He certainly did not expect to spend the better part of three hours seated in an armchair by the fireplace, staring at the flames in silence while Bernie snored on the sofa. It was not often his best mate was able to rest well, and he was not going to interrupt his much needed sleep, but he was bloody bored…

He looked at the grandfather clock in the corner of the cozy living room as it chimed.  _ Still as selfish with other people’s time as he was years ago it seems, _ he thought, folding his hands behind his head. He sighed irritably, knowing Maxine would be walking through the door at any moment. She would recognize Elton’s car in a heartbeat and that was something he really did  _ not _ want to deal with. “Should have just bloody driven us meself _ , _ ” he muttered, shutting his eyes. 

“Hmmm? What was that, mate?,” Bernie asked. His voice was nothing more than a whisper.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to wake ya…. I said your bloody wife will be home any mom’ and the idiot driver still hasn’t shown. I should have driven us meself, mate… Fucking Maxine and anything to do with Elton is going to drive me spare, it is…,” Ray said, getting to his feet to help Bernie sit up.

Bernie yawned, stretching his good arm above his head. “Yes,” he said simply, wincing as Ray set his feet on the floor. “Wha’ time’s it?”

“Just about teatime,” Ray replied, handing Bernie his valium and a bottle of water from the coffee table. He then collapsed back in his chair.

Bernie nodded again. He rubbed his forehead. “Typical,” he muttered. He swallowed two tablets. “For the best, I reckon, though.” 

It took Bernie a few tries before he was able to set the cap back on the top of the bottle. Ray watched him struggle, but knew better than to assist. Bernie hated needing help for such simple tasks, and was more likely to throw the bottle at Ray than thank him for the assistance. 

“I never wanted him to see me like this, really, from the moment I came to at the hospital. Can’t even put a cap on a bloody water bottle right anymore, mate.” He set the bottle on the end table. “I was supposed to be the strong one, the level headed one, the one he went to when things went wrong. He was the one who was known for being a self destructive mess...” He chuckled darkly. “Yet he wasn’t the one who jumped out a bloody window, was he?”

Ray flicked a hair off his trousers. “Wasn’t your fault, mate,” he said, keeping his eyes averted. They had had this same conversation many times over the past year. It always ended badly. 

Luckily for Ray, Maxine entered the house before Bernie could respond.

(Unluckily for Bernie, Elton followed quite close behind her.)

“Fuck,” Ray muttered, hanging his head.


	4. Chapter 4

“What is that  _ thing _ doing in my house, Bernard Taupin?,” Maxine hissed, sitting next to her husband on the sofa. She placed her hand possessively on his thigh as she glared at Elton, who stood awkwardly in their kitchen, pulling at the hem of his rainbow button down shirt, shifting from foot to foot as Ray spoke quietly to him. “I told you I want nothing to do with him, and for you to have nothing to do with him after what he  _ did, _ and you invite him  _ here _ ?”

Bernie sighed. “I didn’t invite him here, darling. He invited me to his estate for  _ lunch _ , which should have been hours ago, really. I didn’t think he’d actually have the balls to show up here when I expressly told him  _ not to _ come here!,” Bernie responded, his voice rising at the end of his statement so that Elton could hear him. He nodded at Elton’s wince. “See? Even he knows he’s an idiot for not bloody listening to me.”

Maxine squeezed his thigh. Bernie winced. It was the one he had feeling in after all. “Are you fucking kidding me, Bernie? You were going to go to his house while I was at work?”

Bernie shrugged. “He wanted to talk about the past. He wanted to make amends. It’s part of his twelve steps, Maxine. How could I deny him that? You seem to forget he’s been my best mate for almost half my life now.”

“And I’ve been your wife for almost as long, Bernie. I waited patiently while you toured the world with him here at home. I never said a word when you missed my birthdays, your birthdays, and even our bloody anniversaries, while you partied with him and the rest of your mates. I was there when you jumped out the fucking window, keeping you as calm as I could so you would have a chance to live, before EMS showed up. I have taken care of you since, while he continued to pump himself with drugs and alcohol and not even bother to bloody contact you.” She took a deep breath. “Does what I want not matter at all to you anymore, Bernie? After all we’ve been through? After all he’s put us through?”

Bernie looked deep into Maxine’s eyes. The pain she felt was almost palpable. He wished he could conjure some empathy, maybe even some sympathy, for the woman who had been by his side for so long. They met when they were young. They married young, not too long after Elton, and in turn his, debut at the Troubadour. Bernie was in love with her then and he told himself daily that he loved her now.

But he didn’t. Not really.

“Maxine, I…,” Bernie began, not quite knowing what he was about to say. He ran his fingers through his hair.

“I see,” she said, getting to her feet. She pushed the lint off her skirt. “I’ll leave you to it then, shall I? I am going to pack a bag and head to my mother’s. I will not be in the same house as him. Don’t come crying to me when he leaves you high and dry again, Bernard. I’m through trying to make something work that died long ago.”

Bernie winced when she slammed their bedroom door shut. “Well, that went well,” he muttered, reaching for his can of cola. He sighed. “Might as well come in, Reg, Ray. The show is over.”

“Oh, Bernie, I am so sorry, mate,” Elton moaned, sitting in the armchair across from him. “I should have known this would happen.”

“You’re an idiot, Elton. A self absorbed duffer,” Ray scolded him, as he sat next to Bernie. “You alright, old chap?”

Bernie rubbed his forehead. “Yeah, yeah, I’ll be alright. It’s been bound to happen for years now.” He shrugged. “I’m awfully surprised she stayed as long as she did, to be honest. I never knew how to be husband, really.” He took a deep breath. “So, Elton, what brings you here now and not us to your house hours ago, then?”

“I had to wait for my driver. I forgot I had him running errands in the city. By the time he returned I just hopped in the car with him. I couldn’t wait any longer to see you,” he explained, fidgeting in the seat. “My memory is nonexistent as of now, and I can’t didn’t trust myself to drive the other car and come here and not to a bloody pub or some nonsense. I didn’t think.”

“You never think, Elton,” Ray sneered. Bernie put his hand up to stop the upcoming confrontation. Ray put it back down angrily. “No, Bernie, this is your life. He screws things up for you then lays low, then comes back when you finally have it together again, and screws things up again. He gave you the bloody drugs that did this!”

“I can’t say I’m sorry enough...”

“Enough,” Bernie growled, interrupting them both. They both looked at him in surprise. “I’ve already lost my wife,” he began, pointing to the front door as it slammed behind Maxine. Bernie winced as he heard the glass from the screen door shatter. “I will not lose my best mates because of petty bickering between you,” he continued quietly. “I can barely leave my house. I can barely walk from one side of it to the other. I can’t stand for long periods of time without my good leg giving out. I don’t even have Maxine now to ensure I haven’t died trying to do something I am incapable of doing. I’ve lost enough, lads, wouldn’t you say?”

They nodded. Bernie was satisfied to see their remorse.

“Ray, gather a tea tray for us, will you? Elton, call a pizza in or something. Work things out between you, please. I’m done in for now,” he said, pushing his legs on to the couch. He leaned back and shut his eyes. If either man noticed the tears that fell steadily from his eyes, they didn’t push, and for that, Bernie was thankful.


	5. Chapter 5

Ray moved efficiently around the small kitchen. He did his best to be quiet as he worked, but he was just so angry at the turn of events. He couldn’t believe the nerve of Elton as he just walked back into Bernie’s life and threw it all asunder in minutes. He tossed the kettle on the tray and didn’t even mind as he got burned in the process.

He looked up and saw Elton still standing by the telephone. He was shifting from foot to foot, his shoulders shaking wildly. Ray sighed. It was difficult to stay mad at him when he seemed so clueless as to how day to day life was done. “Do you need to me to ring in the pizza, Elton?,” he asked, as calm as he was able. 

By Elton’s flinch, Ray realized it was no doubt not as calm as he thought.

“Sa-Sorry, mate. I can’t do this,” Elton replied, rubbing his face with his hand.

“Are you going to run like you always do? I’m surprised that you’ve stayed long enough to see you’ve set Bernie on the road to destruction again. Isn’t your work done here now?,” Ray snapped as he walked towards the phone. He pushed Elton away. “I’ll ring the damn pizza. Bring the tray into the lounge. You can at least do that, can’t you?”

Elton nodded quickly. “Aye! Yeah, I can do that.” He rummaged around his wallet, pulling out his credit card. “Order whatever, please. It’s all on me, yeah?”

Ray shook his head and glared at Elton’s back as he watched Elton fumble with the tray. Elton had no right to be fucking emotional right now, in Ray’s opinion. It wasn’t his life he fucked up. It wasn’t  _ him _ who couldn’t physically do much for himself any longer. It wasn’t  _ him _ that was an emotional wreck on the best of days and wanted to end  _ his _ life because of how his life turned out. It wasn’t  _ his _ bloody marriage he broke up with such finality just by showing up at Bernie’s house uninvited  _ again _ , when he was expressly told not to. 

Ray shut his eyes. It made his heart hurt just thinking about all the destruction. 

_ Everything Bernie had worked so hard for, gone, because of that stupid man. And he acts like his world has fucking ended… Arsehole, _ Ray thought. “Yes, I’d like to order a delivery please.”

_ And kill a man as well… At least I can get one thing I wish for tonight… _

  
  


_ ********************* _

Elton held his cup of tea in trembling hands watching Bernie sleep. He had never seen Bernie look so poorly in their twenty year friendship. He never imagined at any point in their life Bernie would be the one in need. He should have known if it had ever happened, it would be he who was to blame, however. His life was a circus, after all...

Elton watched the slow rise and fall of Bernie’s chest with a heavy heart. He couldn’t fault Ray for blaming Elton for Bernie’s situation, because it was his fault. Bernie had taken the heroine from Elton’s home when he found it the last time he saw him. Bernie had been so cross when he came into Elton’s home and found him in bed, needles littering almost every surface. He said he could deal with the weed. He could deal with the cocaine. He could deal with the liquor, even when it was ruining every relationship Elton held dear, but he would never allow his mate to shoot up like a common street beggar. He took the needles, both used and filled, and left the house in a huff.

That was the last time Elton had seen him. 

They spoke on the telephone, of course, and Bernie faxed him sheets of lyrics every so often, but they had not been in the same room in two years. Elton had been so wrapped up in his own life, his own drama, his ridiculous failed relationship with John and the numerous others that gave up their lives just to be tossed aside when Elton was through, and his truly over-the-top shows that he forgot about the only person who truly mattered.

He was a dreadful man…

“Where do you think Maxine went?,” Elton asked Ray, setting his cup on the coffee table before he ended up dropping it on the floor. “Do you think if I left she would come back to him?”

Ray sighed. “She’s no doubt at her mum’s. She goes there when she needs to blow off steam. And I don’t rightly know… They have been fighting more and more lately. It’s been difficult for them, Bernie’s health.”

Elton nodded, looking down at the carpet. He still couldn’t wrap his head around the situation. “How long have you been in the States?”

“I moved here when he was in rehab. Maxine begged me to. She was nervous about how she was going to be able to keep him alive during his recovery… I have a flat just off the main road.”

Elton fiddled with his sleeve. “I didn’t realize you were so close,” he said, wincing at how bitter his tone sounded.

Ray shrugged. “You don’t pay attention to anything but yourself, Elton, and you know it.”

Elton nodded. He knew it was the truth, whether he liked hearing it or not. “I am trying to change. I got a good smack down in rehab myself. I just want my old life back, selfish as it sounds. You know, before the fame got to my head. Before I allowed John to rule my life with a bloody iron fist. Before I filled myself with so much hate I couldn’t stand to live. When I was just the duffer from Pinner hoping for a break. I just... didn’t realize my coming here would ruin so much.”

“It was ruined long before you showed your ugly mug, Reggie,” Bernie said. His voice was nothing more than a rasp but still seemed to echo within the sitting room. Bernie waved Ray off, and began the terrible process of sitting up with only two good limbs. He cleared his throat. “I need to learn to do this for myself now, mate. Thanks anyways.”

“I could stay,” Ray offered, standing beside the sofa in case Bernie fell off. “I’ve nothing better to do, really.”

“We’ll see,” Bernie said, groaning as he pulled himself upright. “Sorry, lads, for falling asleep like that.”

“It’s quite alright,” Ray said, reseating himself in the armchair.

“Aye, no bother at all,” Elton replied, pouring Bernie a cup of tea. “Black with sugar still, mate?”

Bernie nodded, taking the steaming cup carefully. “Thanks,” he murmured. “So did we get a pizza coming?”

“Aye. Ray ordered it. I… I couldn’t do it,” Elton said, feeling the shame rise once again.

“Didn’t think you could, mate,” Bernie said, shrugging. Elton laughed uncomfortably. “Money is in my billfold, Ray, when it comes.”

“Elton’s already paid, Bernie,” Ray said, folding his arms across his chest. “‘Bout time he did something…”

“Oh, well…. Thanks, Reg, but you didn’t have to.”

“I wanted to,” he whispered brokenly. “I’m so sorry, Bernie. I never meant for you to be hurt. I never dreamed anything like this would ever happen. I can’t fix everything that’s happened, of course, but I want to fix what I can. You are my soul, and deserve so much more than life has given you.”

“It’s alright, Reg.” Elton shook his head. “No, really, I have come to terms with my situation. I came to terms with my marriage ending years ago as well. That was not your fault, no matter what Raymond keeps telling you. Her leaving was no surprise for me. The only thing you can do to help me is to keep getting better, Reg. Keep on the narrow path. It’s hard, trust me, I know, but not having to worry about you would take a load off of me. Can you do that for me?”

Elton nodded slowly. “I think so,” he whispered.

“Good. Keep your head up, bub. It will get better, I promise you.”


	6. Chapter 6

Elton had never done well with silence. While most found silence to be peaceful, perhaps even tranquil, Elton found it disquieting. His life had been nothing but light and color and sound for so long that even just sitting still seemed foreign to him now. He fidgeted in the armchair, looking for inspiration to begin a conversation.

He looked from Bernie, who’s attention hadn’t lifted from the notepad he scribbled on in ages, to Ray, who’s eyes were fixed on the rather thick novel in his lap, and wondered just what he should be doing. He felt like he was intruding an almost sacred time of companionship between two great mates, in tune with each other and much more alike than he and Bernie had ever been.

It hurt more than he could have imagined.

He took a sip of now-cold tea, wishing for a spot of alcohol to lessen the pain in his heart. Coming to Bernie’s had seemed like such a brilliant idea when he was puttering about alone in his massive estate with not even his dog acknowledging his existence.

At least he had music there…

His ‘welcome’ was well deserved, of course, if not expected. Elton was not used to seeing the consequences of his actions, and he most definitely was not used to be being ignored like a commoner, even among friends.

Today he experienced both.

They had taken their tea in silence. They had eaten their pizza in silence. Ray handed Bernie his notepad without being asked, as though this creative exercise was a normal nightly occurence. Ray had taken the book from the coffee table like that was where it was housed and cracked it open the moment Bernie began to write.

Elton felt tears prick the corners of his eyes. He had missed so much with his terrible self-indulgence. He had lost his best mate because of his terrible decisions. His best mate had almost lost his  _ life _ because of Elton’s own addictions... He couldn’t help the childish voice screaming in his head that it wasn’t  _ fair _ , he hadn’t  _ meant _ for  _ any _ of this to happen and was being  _ punished anyway _ , but he was a goddamn adult and would never voice that madness now that he was sober.

Thank God for small favors, he supposed…

He got to his feet. “It’s getting late. I’m going to head home. I… I’m glad I got to see you for a bit, Bernie.”

Bernie set his notebook beside him on the sofa. “I’m glad you came by, Elton. I’ve missed you a lot,” Bernie admitted, wincing as he slowly lifted himself to his feet with the aid of his cane. He opened his arm. “Come here, you great duffer. You look like you could use a hug right about now.”

Elton laughed, walking around the coffee table and carefully hugging Bernie back. “You always know what I need,” he whispered. “If you need anything, please ring me? I’ll be around for a bit. Taking a break from touring while I get my life together.”

“I’m glad, Elton. You deserve a break. Don’t worry about me right now, get yourself situated. I’ll ring you in a few days and check in, okay?” Bernie asked, patting his back. Elton only nodded, not trusting himself to speak. “I’m so proud of you, Reggie. Keep that promise to yourself and stay on the path. Not for me, but because you are worth it, Reg, okay? Ray, will you walk him out for me? I don’t think I’m able…”

“Sure, mate, no problem,” Ray said, setting the bookmark in his book. He placed it back on the table. “You need anything while I’m up?”

Bernie shook his head, falling back onto the cushions with a sigh. “Nah, I’m alright, thanks. May need help to bed soon, though, if you don’t mind?”

Ray nodded. “No issue. I’ll be right back.”

They walked in silence, though this silence was deafening to Elton. He could almost feel the hatred coming off Ray in waves. As deserving as it was, Elton still felt suffocated. 

“Will you be coming around again?,” Ray asked when they made it to the door.

“I might, if it’s no bother.”

Ray nodded. “Ring first, though, will you? No need for another night like tonight.”

Elton glared at Ray’s back as he walked back towards the sitting room.  _ Fucking tosser, _ he thought, opening the door with much more force than necessary. _Always did hate that git... No matter that I owe my career to him. Always been a tosser._

He was careful not to let the door slam behind him in his anger, though, for Bernie's well-being. 

Though even he could admit he felt better than he had in years. Bernie still loved him, Bernie had forgiven him, and he still got under someone's skin in the process. The diva within him was singing.


	7. Chapter 7

“You could have been a bit nicer, Raymond.”

Ray groaned as he picked his book back up off the coffee table before collapsing onto his reclining chair. “And he could not be a cock-up every once in a while, but here we are, I suppose,” Ray murmured, lifting the leg rest. He opened the book to where he left off before throwing it back on the table in disgust. “I will never understand you, _ Bernard, _ as we are going with full names it seems. I mean, blimey, you keep letting him in time after time expecting a different result because newsflash, mate, it’s going to be the same rubbish it’s always been!”

Bernie shrugged. “No need to raise your voice here now. I have a bleeding headache as it is…,” Bernie muttered, rubbing his temples. “And besides, even if it is, it’s my problem, yeah? He needs someone real in his life, Raymond. Someone who actually cares for him, and not just the Elton John rubbish. I _ am _ that someone for him. I have _ always been _ that someone for him, from the very first day we met. You know it, you introduced us, mate. Everyone else he surrounds himself with tells him only what he wants to hear. They only do what he wants to do. How can he better himself if that is all that’s around?”

Ray sighed. “I understand what you are saying, I really do, but I don’t _ like _ what you are saying, Bernie. He’s going to hurt you again, break your heart into a million little pieces, and I am going to be the one left here to put you back together again. I just don’t understand why you love him… Hell, I don’t even understand why you bloody like him, mate, and I’m certain I never will. I just hate watching you suffer.”

“I know,” Bernie said softly, finally looking up him. “I appreciate you, Ray, even if it doesn’t seem like it. I owe everything to you, mate, and I’ll never in a million lives be able to repay you for all you have done.”

“I would never ask you to,” Ray said with a shrug. “Are you ever going to tell him?”

“What? Tell him I’m in love with him? Not bloody likely,” Bernie said, resting his head back on the sofa. He could not help the light moan that escaped his lips. The sharp pains throughout his body were getting the better of him. “I lost that chance eons ago, Ray.”

Ray looked at Bernie with concern. He never showed anything that could be perceived as weakness. “Do you need your pills, mate?”

“That’d be ace, if you don’t mind, Ray. They are in the medicine cabinet in the master bath, a bit too high for me to reach comfortably. Going to need to move them now, I reckon…” Bernie sighed, rubbing his forehead. “Going to need to do a lot of things, it seems,” Bernie whispered. “I think I want my bed. Could you help me?”

“We’ll work on it tomorrow, aye? No need to work on anything tonight. Tonight is for rest,” Ray said, helping Bernie to his feet. “I’ll stay tonight and we will work on a plan tomorrow, alright?”

Bernie nodded, feeling too weak to argue. “Thank you,” he whispered. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me right now.”

“Too much excitement for one day is all, I reckon,” Ray said, pushing down his worry. “You’ll feel better when you wake up.”

_ If I wake up..., _ Bernie thought, feeling almost hopeful for the first time in months. _ Maybe this is finally the end I’ve been begging for. The end of all this madness, all this pain, this stupid life I’ve been given. Please, let just let it be the_ _end_.

Ray sat in the chair by the window, ready for what might just be the first of many nighttime vigils he would prepare himself to sit through. He had never been a religious man, but found himself praying to whatever deity that would listen for Bernie, for Maxine, for himself, and even for the wanker Elton, for brighter tomorrows and hopeful futures. For peace and healing. And most importantly, for strength.


	8. Chapter 8

“Elton… You’re here… Again,” Ray said as he opened Bernie’s front door. “Uninvited, again, I must add. To what do I owe this… pleasure.”

Elton huffed lightly, rolling his eyes in response. “Go ahead and tell me how you really feel, mate,” he muttered, shouldering his way past him. He brushed his sleeve with his fingers, keeping his eyes averted. “Where is he, then?”

“If you must know he is on the porch with his coffee, like he is ever bleeding morning...” Ray said, shutting the door. He leaned against it, crossing his arms across his chest. He nodded his head to the sliding glass doors just beyond the kitchen. “Maxine is with him and they are trying to hash it out. If you fucking ruin it I swear I will hurt you, Elton.”

“Great. That’s wonderful news, I suppose,” he murmured, running his fingers through his thinning hair. He hunched his shoulders. “I just wanted to tell him that John has set up a tour for me. I leave today,” he said, his voice small.

“And you couldn’t have rang him with this news?,” Ray asked, raising one eyebrow. “Not that you’ve rang him up at all since you showed up that day, of course.”

He scuffed his shoe on the linoleum, feeling like a scolded child. “I didn’t think he’d want to hear from me. Not after all the drama.”

Ray snorted. “Come on, lad! Elton, you are nothing BUT drama. It follows you around like a damn puppy dog and for some odd reason, which I truly will never understand, he still wants you around. If there is ever a situation that does not turn into a bloody spectacle with you involved I’ll swallow my tongue, I swear it…”

Elton couldn’t help but grimace. “That’s true, innit? Everything I touch suffers.”

“And now the melodrama…,” Ray said, rolling his eyes. He pushed himself off the wall. “Let me go out there and tell him you are here so there’s no surprises, you can say your goodbyes and get the fuck out of here, yeah?”

Elton nodded, sitting on the barstool beside the kitchen island. He put his face in his hands and groaned when he heard the door slide closed. It was hard to believe at times he and Ray were the same age.  _ He certainly makes me feel small _ , he thought, rubbing his face with his hands.  _ I don’t know how Bernie stands  _ him _ , either. Tosser… _

Elton lifted his head when he heard the door slide open once again, fully prepared to duck out and never return. Bernie’s wide smile made Elton’s breath catch. He limped into the kitchen, the arm not holding his cane outstretched for a hug. Elton jumped to his feet and hugged him carefully. 

“I didn’t know if you’d see me or not,” he whispered, fighting back the traitorous sob that threatened to burst from his chest.

“I’ll always see you, mate,” Bernie said, rubbing circles on Elton’s back. “BT and EJ forever, you bloody duffer.”

Elton laughed, pulling back to wipe his eyes. “Remember when we carved that in the tree in my mum’s backyard and she swore to hide me for being that brazen with my sexuality? No matter how much we told her you were pure hetero she never forgave me for being so cheeky.”

Bernie laughed at that. “We have had some times, haven’t we, mate? Can we move this to the sitting room or do you need to leave? I don’t think I should stand much longer. Feeling especially weak today, mate.”

Elton quickly stepped back. “No, no, we can go sit down. Do you need a hand?”

Bernie shook his head. “I’m alright. Thanks for understanding, El,” he said.

Elton followed close behind Bernie. He watched with concern when Bernie collapsed onto the sofa with a groan. Bernie waved his hand towards the armchair across from him. “I’m alright, mate. Just sit, please.”

“Of course,” he said, sitting on the edge of the chair, feeling even more concerned at the deep breaths Bernie was taking.

“You look like shite, Reg, like you haven’t slept since I last saw you...”

Elton shrugged. “I haven’t really. Had a lot on my mind.”

Bernie nodded, setting his cane against the side of the sofa. “So this tour… Your choice or is the dick forcing you?,” he asked.

Elton shrugged again. “A bit of both, I suppose.”

Bernie nodded. “Probably more forcing this on you than you will admit to me, but that’s fine, El,” he said, taking a long drink of his bottled water. “You know you don’t have to do what he wants anymore, though, right? That it’s okay to say no to him, and he’ll have to listen?”

Elton shook his head. “You’ve never understood my relationship with John, both personal and business…”

“You’re right to a point there,” Bernie interrupted. “What I do know is he is an arsehole to you and always has been, and you deserve so much more than he ever gave to you. Are you still fucking him or is it just business now?”

“No, no no, we can’t talk about this,” Elton moaned, closing his eyes.

“And why not, El?,” Bernie asked, raising his eyebrows. “Someone needs to remind you of your worth every once and awhile.” Bernie sighed. “I care so much about you, Reggie, and just don’t want to see you burned again.”

“He and I haven’t had sex in a long time, Bernie. He finds me other men for that,” he whispered, his face flaming red.

“So he pimps you out. Even better,” Bernie replied, folding his arms across his chest. “Gods, Elton, even you can see this isn’t the recipe for sober living?” Elton flinched. “You are still clean, right?”

“I don’t know what to do anymore, Bernie.”

“You are going to start by taking a hot bath with some tea, and setting yourself up in the guest room.”

Bernie and Elton looked up to the doorway in surprise. Maxine smiled slightly, leaning against the frame. “I’m not as cold as to let you throw away what little progress you’ve made so far, Elton. I don’t like what you’ve done to my Bernie over the course of your friendship, but that doesn’t mean I don’t like you. You are important to him, so you’re important to me.”

Bernie held out his hand to her. She sat beside him, taking his hand in both of hers. “We will call and tell Reid to fuck himself, and you will heal. If not for yourself, than for Bernie. Understood?”

Elton nodded dumbly. This was not how expected the afternoon to go, but really, when did anything in his life go as planned.

“We’ll help you, you numby. The bath and tea are set up in the guest bathroom. Now scoot, you’re in bloody my chair,” Ray said, pulling him out of his reverie.

Elton laughed all the way to the bathroom.


	9. Chapter 9

_ Not many addicts are able to reach their own rock bottom while being pampered at their best mate’s home with his wife and other best mate, but I have always been told I am quite unique. I don’t really know what it was that set me off that day, the day I changed inside. The day I looked at the stash I had been hoarding in the guest room of my best mate’s place, even knowing that it was my stash that has caused him so much agony over the years, and lying about my own health to him. I had the knife in my hand, ready to get my morning lines together, when I just stopped. It was then that I realized that even though I had completed drug and alcohol rehab, even though I stayed clean for a bit of time thereafter as well, I had no rhyme or reason to continue that lifestyle, and that was why I failed. I dropped the knife on the floor and slowly backed away from the bedside table. _

_ I needed help. I finally saw it with my own eyes, and finally they were not just words spoken in my ear when things got too much for my hangers-on. It was real, and it sucked… _

_ Raymond was the only person home, thankfully. For some reason my mind chose a Saturday morning for this revelation. Bernie and Maxine had gone to his physical therapy that morning, and would be spending as much of the day Bernie could handle in town. I remember feeling such shame as I knocked on Ray’s door at just past 9 in the morning, wanting nothing more than to hide under the bed rather than tell him he was right. I did not want to admit to anyone how I had been using under Bernie’s roof, even if it was pretty much an open secret no one acknowledged. _

_ Ray took one look at me and knew, but the tosser made me tell him what I needed anyway. He took a rubbish bag and followed me into my bedroom, and had me throw the pills and powder and bottles into the bag myself. He said I would thank him for it. He said when I was stronger I would understand why he was having me clean up my own mess, but at the moment I had just wanted to punch his teeth in.  _

_ But he kept his promise to keep it between us. He shuffled me to as many meetings as I needed to go to, sitting next to me in each one as a silent support until I could stand on my own. When I asked later why he did it all, he said it was for Bernie. Bernie’s love for me was so strong he would shatter if I did not heal.  _

_ I was surprised. Bernie had made it known from the very beginning he loved me only as the brother he never had. He had married Maxine when he was barely 20 years old. They were still together for godsake… Nothing dampen the flame that began to burn within me though with that proclamation, and Ray knew it, the insufferable twat. The smirk he had for days thereafter while I tripped over myself speaking to my better half was one that I wish I could have punched off his face. _

_ I learned that soon after Maxine left when I showed up uninvited that day her and Bernie had come to an agreement. They would stay married on paper, but the love they shared had fizzled long before my appearance. Bernie had said they walked the fine line of love and hate for much too long to actually enjoy life together. He gave Maxine and Ray the green light to pursue a life together, but they all kept me in the dark. Apparently I am prone to histrionics or some tosh.  _

_ In turn I had the green light to pursue that very flame that had dogged me throughout much of my adult life. _

_ I… _

“Are you almost ready, love? Our reservation is at half eight remember?”

Elton tossed the old biro onto the desk with a smile. “Just about, love. Was just doing some reflection.”

Bernie chuckled, nodding to the notebook Elton closed shut. “That old memoir won’t write itself, of course. Do you need more time or?”

Elton rolled the chair out from behind the desk and swiveled to face Bernie who leaned against the doorway. “I have the rest of my life to write this nonsense. I’d much rather spend some time with the one true love of my life: food.”

_ Life is good _ , Elton thought, watching Bernie clutch the doorway for support as he laughed heartily. He got to his feet with a smile on his face.


End file.
